Grief - Reflections Shared for Those Who Grieve
Grief
I shared this reflection on Dec 10, 2023 at Lake Funeral Home in Polson, MT as part of a service to honor families who have lost a loved one in the past year.
In my role as a hospital chaplain, I have witnessed how grief can impact our lives as individuals and families. I hope these words on grief will be hopeful for you as you continue to navigate new ways of being.
I stand with you today with a heavy heart, recognizing the weight grief can bring into our daily lives. For some of us, we lost our loved ones suddenly and inexplicably. For others of us, we had the chance to sit with our loved ones in their final days, full of love mixed with sadness. It is my hope that your experience today is that you feel seen, you feel loved, and you feel welcomed into this space.
Our culture does not talk a lot about death or dying and the pain and grief that can come with it. Yet here we are, united by the universal experience of loss. Not everyone’s grief looks or feels the same. But I can assure you that whatever your grief has looked like, continues to look like, and will look like is normal. Completely normal.
In a culture of comparison, we sometimes strive to understand what normal is. But when it comes to grief, your grief and my grief will look different, but it is normal.
Today, I want to share a few thoughts with you on navigating the challenging terrain of grief. It is much like a Montana storm that no weather forecaster can accurately predict. Living in the Mission Valley, we know the challenges of the unpredictability of afternoon thunderstorms, and sudden snowfall, and so it is with grief.
I don’t like to think about grief, but when I do, I think grief is a lot like a lead ball that sits heavy in our hearts. The loss of a loved one, whether we knew it was coming or not, can cause different reactions and emotions, each of which is normal. We do and say things in the moment that might not make sense when we reflect on it. Those actions, attitudes, and behaviors should be nurtured and seen through the lens of compassion – they are what we call coping skills and serve an essential role on the well-worn path of grief.
Grief is like a lead ball that lives in our hearts; it does not take the place of the one we cherish, but it sits next to that space, a small cavern that we know no person, thing, or place will ever fill. And that is okay. That empty space cannot be replaced, but it can be met with our compassion.
Grief: a lead ball that feels heavier around special days like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It is not something we can get rid of. Still, again, we can meet it with the tenderness of love.
The thing about this lead ball of grief is that it may not ever really get smaller; only we learn to grow bigger. Perhaps the most challenging thing about grief is that there is no “right way” to grieve, and the way our grief shows up may cause us not to recognize ourselves. And that is okay. Experts on grief and loss suggest that a recent loss can be defined as any loss that has occurred in the last two years or even longer. So, on the days that feel extra hard, extra sad, or like you can barely move, remember that this loss is recent. And it is expected to feel this way.
May we grow stronger and learn to carry the weight of grief throughout our daily lives. Like the snow that fell last night and the bitter cold months ahead, our grief does not have the final say. As we are heading into the winter months, with sudden snow storms, icy roads, and even the dense evening fog, I want you to know that you are not the storm. You are the sky above the storm.
If there is just one thing I wish I could do for you, I wish I could take away the potentially painful journey each of us are taking through the dark night of our hearts. I hope you rest assured that your beloved is resting in the deep, unending presence of your love, and that day by day, we honor our beloved’s legacy, life, and love simply by waking up, putting our shoes on, and walking the well-worn path of grief alongside one another.